radically changed.

my life is radically changed, because God is in me. :)

i want to stay, right here with you, all of my days. :)

I'm on 2 days mc.
feeling groggy and drowsy.
hmm... well... thank God for pple like Amanda Ang and Muiteck.
still loving me tho constantly my life's a great mess.
really appreciate such pple.
learnt alot of values from them.
i hope to pray like muiteck,
speak words of wisdom like Amanda,
think truths and hv revelation like Amanda
whoo... hmmm... i hope these dreams come thru one day..

tertiary camp was awesome.
yes God, unclog my spiritual toilet bowl so that i may do so much more for you. Lord, empower me pls, for your glory.
i think i have a fear for indian boys. i collided into one of them ytd. and fell head over heels in love with them. WHAT THE HECK. i fell to the floor. my head was so pain.sheesh.
hmm.
save money!!!
Melody Goh, save money!!!

HAPPY BIRTHDAY CHERYL

whoa. ytd ps' class was really long. tho it was getting dry towards d end, but i know there surely is something that i can learn from it.
i went back to church to load in ppt for JSS. helped out with JSS stuff and prayed. prayer was awesome. God was constantly putting prayer points in me to pray. after that we went to KFC. something happened and i was really upset. but my oikos members- Bryan, Zac, Weekiat, David and Kaiming cheered me up. with all those match making qns. it was really hilarious, the stuffs they asked and all. they want to match make me and WK. =X me and him now jus buddy buddy.. at least im trying. haha.
after that Bryan wanted to go Mac so we went and ended up camwhoring, not me la, but the rest. haha. me and seesoon were like talking crap behind.
im confused. who am i really? does love really exist between church friends?

last but not least, i would like to wish Cheryl Chong:

HAPPY

BLESSED


BIRTHDAY.

(sorry for making u cry if i was the cause of it, coz honestly, i wasnt scolding you)

I HOPE THAT GOD WILL USE YOU MIGHTILY IN HIS KINGDOM AND I PRAY THAT HE WILL PRESERVE YOU AND BLESS YOU. :)

hmm, my works will be put to display for sale at iluma.
will be setting up on monday and tuesday. hmm. i hope i am able to sell at least 1 work. haha.

yes, u are right. if I carry on like, the friendship will be nothing. but i would like to correct you, it is if we carry on like this, the friendship will be nothing. it takes 2 hands to clap. i am assuming my part of the responsibility of the friendship. dun try to shirk yours. friendship works both ways. i hope this friendship will work out well after the talk. i really do not wish to drag it any longer not because im impatient, but because i know the longer it takes to start mending the friendship, the more difficult it will be to mend the friendship. because we will be hurting each other with our words.

unscrew my screw up life

lessons learnt @ youth ytd.
what does God wan from us, in return?
nothing much actually.
1) God wants us to love Him
2)God wants us to serve Him
3)God wants us to trust Him
4)God wants us to seek Him

very simple, but what Amanda shared is really back to basics and if our basics/foundation is not strong, then we will fall ultimately.

oh God, unscrew my screwed up life please. i jus want to get my life into order. perhaps i really need to think things thru. have a time of thinking and really reflect what i have done/acheived for God in the past 5 years in BC. i have grown, yes but i have not rised up to be who GOD called me to be. Melody, its time to wake up and stop gg ard in circles. stop wasting time and jus... rise up to be a mature person. stop all those running around, chasing joel seah and jumping. be like a mature 20 year old. for God's sake, and for yours. be a mature 20year old!

Hongy...

actually i realised...
why i treasure my friendship with hong so much.
because we hv gone thru alot tgt, encouraging one another, teasing one another, went thru pains tgt. and yet the friendship is still gg strong. that is why this friendship is d one and only exception that have withstand and gone thru the test of time and that's why when we dun spend time tgt very often, we know each other still cares for the other. hey, that's a very special thing that keeps the friendship gg ya noe?
that's why when i see her cry, my heart aches. becoz she is a friend who have cheered me up and really make me peng with her lame jokes.
all my other friends, drifting furthur away each day. hoon and jean.
jus din understand why jean had to say that of me to small val. is our years of friendship/quarrels and acc partner not compared to jus these few months of knowing small val?
and hoon... you're an awesome friend. why do u want to let a few misunderstandings affect this friendship?why? and do u know this long delayed talk is doing damage to this friendship?
right now, only my frenship with hong is gg strong. hong, lets jiayou tgt okie?

a fun day

today was really fun. i met val and vera for cycling at ECP. we went to eat at the lagoon there. wah, super hot. and we cycled for 2 hours. vera wanted to continue, but me and val said: you want you go yourself. we are staying here. HAHAHA. and we slacked awhile, played concentration. they cldnt make me lose. LOL. so we played chop chilli chop. den we proceeded to carl's jr. VERA took the wrong tea! WAHAHAHAHAHA... den we cycled back to the bic kiosk... den took bus to their aunt's hse. after that met hong, cheryl and aunty christine at S21. den go NTUC buy stuffs. yes! tmr they coming over to swim den val is gonna cook spaghetti. hmm. these 2 sisters really makes me laugh. the way they talk and everything.. hehe.. makes me just keep laughing.. really funny...
today was really tired. but i enjoyed it fully ttm! :D

escape

i actually did not wan to go for pnp last nite.
wanted to keep myself busy, but actually i was escaping and avoiding.
i am escaping from my very good friend, Alice.
i find myself avoiding her time and again, yet at times, i can scold myself for softening my heart towards her.
i'm really troubled. i finally had the courage to bring this up to Amanda, for i feared i cannot outtalk her. and i think it is a load off my chest. but somehow i feel troubled. i felt troubled maybe because 1) i am jealous 2) because i am told my Amanda what is right and yet i see my good friend not doing it. and still saying: we are just friends. cmon i used the same tactic on Amanda and the other leaders. U think they believe? haha, don think so. well, i guess, we do need to talk. and really clarify misunderstandings that have led this friendship to wht it is right now. most of the time now, we are jus hurting one another with our words. and i know, words can kill. sigh.
i really wished for the talk to be soon. i know i want, i know Amanda is trying. but i dunno bout her. she seems to be sucha busy person that she forgets bout me. well maybe i am not important in her life, well that's fine. because i do not deserve to be important in her life.
but i dun think i ever will forget this friendship. far too important to me. You and Hong and Sophia. people who not only taught me what love is, but showed what love is all about. so thank you.
but for now, i am gg to be busy because i choose to. because i know why. i am escaping and avoiding. i do not wish to think bout this friendship till we talk with Amanda.
i wana give myself a break, something i wana be busy with. because i choose to.

updates

a few weeks back, God placed within my heart towards intercession and prayer.
ytd, jon preached abt dreams. yes, some of my dreams had be diminished or dead.
and ytd, my 2 dreams revived.
1) to be an anointed guitarist who will play for God, who will bring down God's presence
2) to be an intercessor, to be a fighting warrior.

so i've decided to pray for the youth and keep the youth leaders in prayers. thank you leaders for being so willling to walk with us, run the race with us. you guys love us, so do we. :)

that unforgettable memeory, etched in my mind is like a conviction for life. this was what stopped me by doing things that i used to really struggle with. tho i do struggle with it stil, but that memory etched taught me not to do it. thank you mentor, thank you amanda. for being that support for me. i love you.

mixed feelings.

im bored.
hols are here.
im bored.
cant wait for tmrw. im gg escape with jun zhu and susan.
really very excited. this is the first hols i am hanging out with my nafa friends. really very excited. jun zhu lets have fun quarrelling k? :D
results, they are coming...
oh no. Izwan got his results alrd. hmm i wonder how i will fare. im filled with excitement yet nervousness fills me. oh well.. i am jus praying real hard. haha..
hmm... later oikos coming my hse for gathering. haha. im at hoon's house now. helping her. do wht i dunno. jus bored.. lol..
breakthru. come!!! grace grace grace grace grace.......BLAHHHH!!!!!

break my heart for what break yours.

break my heart for what breaks yours
show me how to love like you have loved me.

yes. when tears well up my eyes and i am on the verge of giving up, be my friend.
everything i have for your kingdom's cause.

sigh

ahahaha.
after a long time, im back.
hee.
whoa.. had been gg thru a tough time yeah. bt i held on becoz i din want to fall as he did.
in fact i was closer to my nafa frens than church. i felt the bond between me and oikos was gone. im still trying to find it back. afterall it is me tt changed, not them. oh well, thats my part. i really fell.. so much so that to the crossroads i go, saying i choose God bt in d end unconsciously, or maybe consciously i go back to the world, withdraw frm church. bt all these were cling on by the twins. they kept encouraging me. bt hong, what you said really hurts like crazy, bt hey, i forgive you. :) lets be better friends ok?
well, now im back and now gg back to God. :)

i nv loved so much before. ron and stan are d only ones. and now, i realised i still love ron. sigh. will he love me back??

sick sick sick.
oh my!
i pray for the grace of God.
i made a tough decision, to come to sch( im in sch now) ytd.
bt yes, it was painful.
never will i go back in again. i swore to God i quit. i want to. i really want to. it's jus tempting for me alright???

assessments are drawing nearer and nearer by the days, hours, minutes, seconds.
i pray God will empower me. because my body is not taking it anymore. because i am really stressed. bt i will still spend time with God.it's my source of spiritual food man, come on.
its the final 2 weeks. den 2 months holidays. mel, press in, jus 2 more weeks and you're free...
oh God, preserve me till den. i really need you God. i need you more than jus my spiritual. im trying. im really tired now. bt im staying till 10pm today and frm next week on. so God i need you, yes i really do.

maybe im jus caught up in my own world, so pple if u see me stoning dun mind me pls.

i'm really sick and tired.
all these problems getting me down.
i really gotta chiong. because assessments is early may.
so much to do. oh well... jiayou mel. u need God. u really do.
God help me! :)

it's over!!!

musical's over!
it has been real tiring.
but seeing people being saved makes me feel that it's all worth it.
for the glory of God, yes it is worth it! :)
oh well, but i cant hibernate now. i gotta chiong for assessments.
i am so weak, but Lord i know you're strong.
strengthen me physically and mentally Lord. i need you.
PM, your word came in timely. i was abt to take revenge, to retailiate when u gave that word.
i was feeling weak when u gave the word tht when i am weak God is strong. yes Lord, i will song until my GOD has made a way for me. yeah, i will choose to live for you Lord.

power of the word-love

how can i bear to cont my mistakes?
loving me so much, so unconditional.
so not based on whether i was nice or not.
BLESSED is the word.
2 true friends. i found 2!
helping me be less angry.
hey mel, treasure her and stop bullying her. want to bully, bully other ppl! lol..
okie i will stop bullying her.
becoz of the power of this word-love.
i shall. it is reason enough for me to stop. i should. and i would.

dun bother challenging me.
becoz i hate it.
the more u do it, the more i will make sure u get it.
piss me off and u will receive it too.
jus like how i scared t he shit out of xxxxxxx!
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!
DUN TRY.

bleak.

when insecurities and uncertainties fill me, helplessness follow behind.
kept thinking what am i gg to do aft my nafa?
i wana study music. off i go. but whre?
it seems my future is so bleak. yet i know tt God plans for me are perfect and flawless. yes, who am i to fathom the works of God in my life? who am i to doubt?
you are the potter
i am the clay
mould me and make me
this is what i pray.

and when insecurities and uncertainties flood me, i will be still, know you are God.

I love you.

when life's problem seems so tight
we're both caught up with all our might
still i choose to put aside mine
help you carry for infinite time
this is all for one purpose and cause
that is to show how much i love you.

-mel

yes i wld gladly put down my problems, becoz you showed me what it was really like to love the unlovable. to even find one true fren in itself is a blessing. but for me, i got double blessings. i have 2. =)
when i look at you, my problem seem so minute, so unimportant anymore.

goodbye past, hello future.

goodbye past, you've had me twirling in your hands for 7 years.
i've got enough of getting bocked down by you.
it's high time i moved on. to where i see myself serving God faithfully, with greatness as a calling upon my life.
anger, bitterness, it's time u went as well. u've been a part of me, but i have to say goodbye as well, becoz you are hindering me in my walk with God. frm my service in the Lord.
it's time i said hello to my future, waiting for me patiently. i've kept it waiting for the longest of time. i cannot let it wait anymore. its faithfulness is not gonna be in naught.
im starting afresh today. and this will be the end of immature Mel, and the start of the mature mel. so past, bitterness, anger dun come back, if you want the better of me.

tired out.

physically tired.
mentally tired, so am i.
i guess, there are many issues to deal with right now.
struggling with meeting deadlines for my assessments, with my own jealousy issue, with anything and everything else, and maybe that's why struggling so hard. i pray for strength to come and empower me. well, if i cld push all these things aside, heck, i would. and tt means running away from it. but i figured it wld take a longer cycle out. but oh well. a vicious cycle.
if it means.
my soul is crying out. i seem to go no where, no breakthrus in my life. i am praying and hoping for one. oh God, wont u hear my cry? wont you embrace me once again as i return to you? Jesus i love you. may my songs be glorifying to you, may i sing/ compose because of you.

going down.

things for me has been going down.
so much so that i am fearful of coming into God's presence. even asking for forgiveness, coz i have sinned, time and again, asked for forgiveness time and again. i realy dun wana take God for granted. i really dun wana keep going and ask for forgiveness. i say im sry. i wont do it again, still i do it, time and again. but God's faithfulness nv fails. He is faithful even tho i am unfaithful.
i am really worried for hoon. i jus heard frm hong tt she has been admitted to hospital. i am jus wondering, why is it tt jus when her life is beginning to see some light, this had to happen yet again? why? frankly, i rather the one in hospital is me. becoz she has suffered enough and definitely doesnt deserve something like tt thrown at her. but yet i ask myself, have i done my part, or is it that becoz of my past hatred/ bitterness, i am suffering the consequence of my actions. i guess now a sorry would be too late. the harm has been done. i really miss the old hoon. becoz if time cld turn back, i would not let myself do such a thing to my best friend. i really wana show to her how much she has impacted my life, before hong took over, it was the toughest time both hoon and me. i was struggling with bitterness/ hatred/resentment. she was struggling with helping me and loving me the way i am. and jus becoz she has impacted me, i am unable to forget the goodness, the love of this particular friend, who loved me and nv gave up on me even when everyone else had., standing up for me when others question why does she wana be my friend. no doubt. she is a really great friend. and i love her.

KUKUP!!!

IM BACK FRM KUKUP!!
4D3N OF NOT BEING ABLE TO BATHE IN A SPACIOUS TOILET WHOO!
HEHEHE...
i enjoyed my kukup trip. i bunked with junzhu, susan and angella. funny and nice pple..
we played mahjong and monopoly. it was screwed lol..
mahjong on the bed, with a board and only 9 tiles, monopoly paying jus the rent... wahahahha..
bt i enjoyed bunking with them. thks raymond! =)
the toilet and hygiene there is very dirty tho.
SO HOT!!!!! I GOT SUNBURN!!!!bt junzhu gave me lotion.. lol... so nice right?
well, pros vs cons.
singapore: clean,spacious but scheming.
kukup: dirty, squeezy but simple.
kukup, i miss u.
i will be back. =)

guitar rocks!

what's with the emo blog posts i wonder?
so many are emo-ing in their blog.
some have love problem, some have friendship problem, some have work problem, studies.
well, no matter what, i know i can count on my heavenly father in everything i do. :)

yay. i finally understood what dom was saying. abt the bar chord. he explained to me many times still duno. initially i was quite scared of him, but actually he is quite nice.yess! i finally got it. thanks dom! considered God brought my guitar to a higher level. :)

and what's with the pang seh-ing? i've seriously got enough. if i had not wished tt history wld not repeat itself, i wld confront you straight in your face and ask " what's your problem?" im trying to tolerate. and guess what? i'll nv ask u stuffs abt guitar anymore. i wld rather get suan or criticised by dom than get this shit from you. coz i dun deserve this much. after teaching you all i know, with so much sincerity. search your heart, seek your conscience. do i really deserve what i am getting from you? seriously. learn to be responsible for the words you speak.

let go and move on.

melody, it's really time to let go.
you've been holding on. your best friend is moving on.
he is nth. God is everythg.
Melody, wake up n move on.
cmon dun let this cripple you and make u fear. move on bravely. move in God's promises.
your best friend is there for you, cmon, move on, let go. be someone who will do great exploits for God. be a great woman, an impacter of lives.
LET GO AND MOVE ON. GOD HAS SO MUCH MORE IN STALL FOR YOU. DUN BE STUPID ANYMORE.

tireddd

i know my soul is longing for God.
yet, im really tired,physically and mentally.
not sleeping well, worrying about my school.
it's really heavy...
oh God, help me. it's only you i need. nobody else, Jesus only you.
by your grace, see me thru it all..
Jesus i need you.
let there be more of you and less of me.
it is you Lord, who completes me..
fill me once again.

falling

hello pple!
it's another new month...
well, if u asked i've been falling real bad.
i know my heart wants so bad to go back but yet never really did anything abt it.
i need God right now. it seems everyone else is so far. when i have my problems, they cant be there, well i dun blame them either, jus God now.
why? love in the house aint it good? why make it so difficult for each other? i really miss hoon and hong and amanda tan. my 3 closest friends. where are you?? wherever u are, whatever u are doing, i will always pray for u alright> take care.

God u gotta help me outta this. I NEED YOU!!!

trying.

i am really trying very hard.
everyone expects me to accomodate.
it is hard.. tell me. how did things turn out this way?
i really feel very sad.
i'm alrd gg thru so much. here is another set of problems.
how do i help her help you?tell me..
i really feel so so away...
well, pls tell me....
coz i really feel like screaming out loud.
any longer, i cant take it anymore.

alrite man.
gotta type this damn fast.
going to SP for proj rice alr..
hmm.. i guess.. it seemed tiring.. but kinda fruitful. i can meet other pple too.. haha..
welll... gg thru alot. really alot. i seemed to be alone. thru it all

first day of sch.

hmm, i wonder who is passerby in val's blog?
well... all the best to val.. seemed to be pestering her, even though the incident is over..

sch's started for me...
first lesson- digital media. quite hopeful. still.. at least.
den was break. rushed here and there becoz of my cross-disciplinary module. wanted so much to take instrumental studies(guitar) but clash with my timetable. so sianz. ended up taking Singapore Arts Scene( theatre) gg to take up Singapore Arts Scene( fine art). gotta take 2 of Singapore art scene to grad... hmm... may as well chiong this sem... or term? i dunno...
den was alternate drawing strategies..
had to draw without seeing.. our imagination... LOL. somemore my lecturer is the HOD. Mr Boo... sigh... well, by God's grace, i guess?

First breakthru! :)

it's only the first week into the new year.
i have gotten my first breakthru. i confirmed that composing songs was my gift and i have gone beyond myself. i composed songs on adoration and salvation, which is really so unlike my style. but i guess God has much more in store for me. i'm sorry Lord for being so narrow-minded, limiting you, not acknowledging that with You, all things are possible. i limited gift of music to just like instruments, chasing after gift of music as guitar, keyboard, yet facing discouragements along the way. but i am just so in love with music. and i told myself that even if being a musician is not my calling, i still will work towards it, no matter what it takes.

even as i look back, i know i have survived by God's grace. the past that seemingly seemed so impossible to go thru, yet God held my hand, in ways i cannot see, in ways i cannot fathom. this is the goodness of God, the extent of His grace and mercy. undeserved, but yet freely He gave, sacrificing His son Jesus Christ to die on the cross for our sins, to give us newness of life, yet many times, or rather all of the time, we still fail Him, disappointing Him. freely, His grace He gives. sometimes we take for granted the grace that is freely given unto us. i have learnt that yes, i am unworthy, but God still loves me.

yesh, time for thanking pple
People from Church:
Mabel Tang Muiteck
Neo Siok Hong
Neo Siok Hoon
Amanda Ang
Amanda Tan
Jean Ho
Cheryl Chong
Pastor Mark
Patrick Chng (guitar teacher)
Aunty Ros

People from NAFA:
Jun Zhu
Susan Chia
Yang Jie
Angella
Raymond Yap
Jian Yao
Mr Zhang

Last but not least,
My Family members!

Thank you for your support in one way or another, tolerating my nonsense for the God knows how many years!

Speacial msg to Neo Siok Hong:
thank you so much for standing by me, giving in, taking all my nonsense. i will strive to be a better friend to you this yr! :)

5jan 2009 bedok reservoir view, blk 5.

today's 5 jan.
so much has happened.
i realised i cannot allow pple to keep impacting my life and me myself not doing the same to other pple. so, i've decided since God has gave me an opportunity to impact lives, i will. i will be an example to them.
today's also the deadine for my resubmission. i've got 20 skectches for my drawing and 14 more for my figure drawing. and MELODY WHAT ARE U DOING ONLINE NOW?!

i feel that u are not fit to be other pple's brother.
u dun seem to care a least bout your lil sister.
u are a great guy outside, but at home, u dun show the least concern bout your sister.
is that what a brother should be? i dun think so. it's not bout defending her. it's bout supporting her. why, oh why? mabbe u are busy, but mr, that's no excuse.

i guess i gotta think alot. bout how mabbe i can stop burdening you and start giving you support. this year, as u said is gotta be a year of responsibilities. but i assure u, that i will be there to support u, coz i know that i cannot speak into her life. pls, press in. u gotta. i will keep praying. and encouraging... keep going my dear. keep going. the joy of the Lord is your strength. i long for that bubbly laughter of yours. that spread to me like a virus. smile, fren. smile... :)