youth camp

i'm finally back from youth camp.
somehow, i been set free frm my sins.
somehow, i thought that there was reconciliation between me and her, it turned out, my presence only made her feel worst. oh God, i pray you'll help her. i pray you walk thru this with her.
i knew God was there, but somehow could not really experience Him. i felt like something was holding me back. we had sessions and i knew God wanted to deal with that part of my life. he did. i mustered up courage to tell pastor mark and muiteck. it took alot of me to do this. ALOT. i jus hope that they will not see me as a different person. or condemn me.

i felt that they were overboard. i felt that they were ganging up against people they dun like. i felt that they were mean. yet, i cant do anything. sigh.

my birthday.

ytd was a horrible day.
it was my birthday. it was supposed to be happy, but im not.
im really sorry... your sister made me see the point. i realised my wrong. thanks for forgiving me, my dear. thanks for everything. and sorry for everything.
christmas dinner at muiteck's was fun. her nephew is cute. and her mom is sweet. i eneded up washing the plates and bowls n utensils. coz i felt like playing with water. lol.. den we exchanged presents.. i took this bread frm action city. but i changed it with hoon.. lol...
" surprise" birthday cake... i was like so "surprised" hahahahahaha...

crap

i'm alrd tired enough.
i believe u are too.
here am i trying to curb my temper, u jolly well do that too.
i daren't say that bout myself, if u read my previous post, but heck, how many actually knows this stupid blog of mine. not many i would say...
it's high time u stop your sarcasm. coz its getting me on my nerves.

who are u, actually? get me outta your face? n get your sister to shut up too.stop irritating me when im tired. now, go away.

crap. im on medicine. glue ear's what the doc said, tmr i gotta go and get that damn fluid out of my ear. but heck, anw. im busying...
musical prac
carolling
youth camp
100 sketches for drawing
14 skerches for figure
my undone oil painting on canvas.
God help me.

busy busy... like a bee..

gonna be busy busy busy..
musical pracs, carolling, camp.
gonna be tired out, but i know, it's all worth it. =)

what did i do to deserve such a friend like you?
NOTHING. absolutely nothing..
a friend who stood by me, a friend who still remained a friend even when i was mean.
crap. melody, u should stop it.. you really should. she doesn't deserve such a friend like you.
begin to put your words into actions. stop making things difficult for her... start to love her in actions.. it's enough. melody, it's really enough. she is a thing of your past, present and future. she will be. just because she is frm your past does not mean she deserves such a treatment. i know you're fearful. i know that you cannot get over your past. but move on. it is time to move on. those who has hurt you cant hurt you anymore. she has always been that faithful friend. move on gal. stop thinking of the past and move on. you owe her more than just a big sorry. move on with her as your best friend. know that she will never intentionally hurt you. trust her, alright?

and what makes you think that i aint doing anything?
come on. stop imposing your positions in BB in church.
coz BB and church has different ways of doing things..
and seriously, whatever it is, dun try to piss me off.
i'm looking for the props and you're telling me that im not doin anything??
pls, check your facts first.
now im beginning to think, what values BB is teaching.
dun try to be a male chauvinist in front of me. seriously.

standing firm

are leaders supposed to discourage?
i mean, to tell me straight in the face that that may not be my calling after i've been pursuing that for so many years, come on, they are just basing it on the fact that they're not seeing any fruits.
i asked God.
1st confirmation: stand firm.
2nd confirmation: stand for what u believe in, even if it means standing alone. (what amanda said to be previously which i kinda forgot)
3rd confirmation: persevere
i asked God yet again. but why is it that no fruits are seen? He gave me an illustration of the wine. the wine will taste best if it is given time. so will i. my dear leaders.
but i'm saying that even IF that is not my gifting, i still want to be a musician and i will do what it takes, even if it means sleepless nights. i am not being arrogant here, but i'm saying, that i'm not gonna give up pursuing what God has placed in my heart.
it's either u support me or u dun.
however, i will still respect and obey your authority, because i know that God placed you guys in my life for a purpose.

happy!

i not only got friendship reconciled, i got a band!
bryan- guitar
melody-keyboard
zac-bass
sam- drums
kee meng n gwen- vocals.
michelle lim- back up keyboardist

cool right?? :)

thank bryan manz... for carrying the 10kg amp plus the heavy electric guitar. all the way frm lor melayu to lor marzuki.. lol... poor u..

mich's hse was cool... we kinda jammed there.. hahaha... took some photos.. cool shit. mich, u are cool...

i got a new phone. out of all my phones this is the coolest shit ever. it's samusung touchscreen. lol..

imma happy person now... i love my life, i love my God, i love my frens, i love my family.. most of all, im a blessed creation! xD

cool week.

today will be the day i start on my work since last wk was jammed packed.
wed-fri- kids camp.
whoo! it melts my heart to see the innocence of kids and seeing them worshipping God coz u know they mean what they're singing. and it really touching to see them receiving the baptism of the holy spirit. whoo... it's exciting manz.

sat-youth
like memorial service like that. sad sad. youth on sat gonna be changed to sun to combine with the sss. but well, i guess it's all for the better of us. we gonna be united. the sss are youths too.

sun- caroling prac then cycling followed by sleepover.
caroling practices sucks without the pple. val, hong, stan, jean, hoon,gordon, vera, charissa. come back leh! caroling is like so sucky now...
cycling was uber cool... i went with zen, zoey, james, atwell and kearney. LOL.it was fun... i realised aunty samantha and uncle donald is uber cool parents... before we slept, we prayed...
poor kearney... zen talked to him till late.. he woke up the latest.

monday- cyclin again!
only i cycled. i tried blading but comedy.
Melody was bladin down a slight slope and cld not stop.zoey was like asking her to brake. then atwell stood in front of her and tried to stop her. imagine atwell's weight and melody's weight. hahaha.. we both fell and atwell was like " my leg my leg!" LOL.

so today will be chionging and chionging... later got guitar lesson. really thk patrick. he doen't even want lunch.. good teacher man. hehe... i got fate with the adults wor.. they adore me. heehee...

break free

okie, i guess.. this holiday is not to be enjoyed at all.
the lecturers called me in. Mr Boo, Mr Zhang, Mr Chiew n Raymond. they sat me down, asked me questions. they gave me projects of which i gotta complete by 5 jan 2009. what i got was, i got E for all 3 of my major modules. okie, i was like.. okies, i'll do it. i cld not show the sadness on my face. i din want my parents to know. i din want them to keep bugging me.
but well, i dunno who to talk to or what to say. well, i hate to say this, but frankly... why am i doing all these? sigh.
i have decided to love bryan, after gg thru all the torment. coz i wana be set free and move on. i wana rise up, be the musician who's heart is after God.
so, jiayou mel.. u've got lots to handle. but God will hold your hand and walk with u thru. this is your assurance. He will lift u up and nv let u down :)

complete in You

rushing assessments. i never saw myself that hardworking b4.never. but well... assessments are over, hols are here, but cant seem to experience that joy n excitement. only worries n sian-ness.
afterall, i cant run away forever. i gotta face it even tho i dread it. here i am oh God.
thank God for samuel padolina. he introduced this song. complete. man, that was the song in season for me. so as i spend time in God's presence, i pray God will heal me and make me whole, that he will enable me to face bryan and love him like a friend. even tho, it is a sensitive part of me, yes it is, but seriously, get over it mel and rise up. u cant keep falling like that. i will rise up someday. somehow... we will see how God will deal with your arrogance. now is my season, so i will face it and let God mold me.

here i am oh God
i bring this sacrifice
my open heart
i offer up my life

i look to you Lord
your love that never ends
restores me again

so i lift my eyes to you Lord
in your strength will i breakthru Lord
touch me now
let your love fall down on me
i know your love dispels all my fears
thru the storm i will hold on Lord
and by faith i will walk on Lord
then i'll see beyond my calvary one day
and i will be complete in you.

jiayou mel!

counting down to assessments...
rushing projects and everything... manz.. it's crazy..
i'm seriously stressed. i realised i've nv been so serious bout sch.
i ask myself: issit coz of problems i faced in church tts why im running away, turning to school instead? i really dunno. all i know is that im really to focus.. focus mel.
dun let anything pull u down. u've come thus far. 2nd yr in nafa alrd. cannot afford to give up now.
can a big apology change anything? NO, it cant.. what u inflicted upon me is definitely more than jus an emotional wound. it is also a physical and mental wound, one i'll never forgive. i forgave u so many times, but u hurt me time and again and with each time more serious the hurt. you'll never read this blog post. now, go away. get out of my life. i hate you. i loved u with all my heart, no matter how many times, i still forgave. now, u've totally broken my heart. now, go.

your arrogance will kill u.

i enjoyed seeing ure arrogance teared last night.
i hate to see u being arrogant carrying that guitar walking here and there.
i hate it even more when i asked u to stop and u did not!
so get off. u came to this oikos to wreak havoc in my life.
respect others and do not always do what u like.
dun. dun make me deflate your arrogance myself. dun.
i'm facing so much in my life and i do not need you to add on further.
i hate your arrogance. i really do. now dun make me hate you.
dun try.
go away. stop flaunting ure skills. your passion has turned into show off, a kind of performance to me. dare u say that u only wana serve God? oh please. u can lie to mui teck and the rest. u can even lie to yourself. but u can never lie to God. He knows the condition of your heart. wana rise up? here'a a piece of advice. stop being arrogant. that's my piece my advice. probably even shit to you. but hell.. u probably wont even see this post anyway. im not intending for it anyway. so yeah...
let's wait and see.
smirk.

tiring.... ANGRY!!!

it's been a long and tiring week.
as u pple know, MELODY NEVER DOES STAY BACK IN SCH! time's up, okie u see no more of me.. but this week, MELODY STAYED BACK IN SCH TILL 10 FRM MONDAY TO THURS!!!okies, it was tiring. but i know it was all for the better for my assessment which is in 2 weeks time.
and what spurred me on was, my dearest nafa friends! Jun Zhu, Susan, Yang Jie, Yip Kai, Angella.. they were really great friends. spurring me on jus guiding me, this martian friend of theirs... simply love u guys manz! :)
assessment is nxt week and it is killing me... but no worries, i will go thru it. :)

and you!!! how dare u say 对牛谈琴！！！HOW DARE YOU??! U ARE TALKING TO A PERSON WHO KNOWS GUITAR AND KEYBOARD. EXCUSE ME, U FREAK!!!! who do u think u are?? leaving your mess for US to clear?? jus get the hell off nafa. sucker!!!

urgh

if u think by doing this, it makes u happier, ure wrong.
u only make us shun you. u only make me feel more disgusted.
u only make me despise u.
like she is so nice to u. how cld u say that of her?
if u think u can get away, dream on.

cringing pain

why???
i often ask God why?
he allowed this to happen.
my heart is cringing. i'm totally in pain.
pain that is indescribable.
tears welling up my eyes.
i told myself: Melody Goh, you're not to cry! stop it! stop crying.
still the tears came raining down the moment i heard hong's voice.
im trying to be strong. i really am. strong front that has already become part of me.
a habit hard to kick. i lie not coz i want to, but coz it's already part of me.
stop pushing me. either u support me or u dun. im already at a corner. stop pushing me.

i fear.

welcome to my blog.
after so long of not blogging, i am so out of touch from blogging.
i decided to blog because i hate the fact of expressing myself openly.
i decided this will be the place i rant. this will be the place i will express my inner tots and life.

i wonder why my life is so my life.

i lost it, i blew it.
my dreams i screwed it.
regrets, i do indeed
it is the knitter at work
to ensure the finest piece
to present to the master

-Melody Goh

This is the poem that expresses how i feel right now.
yes, i blew it.
yes i screwed it.

all i need, is time to heal, to deal with my issues.
nothing more and nothing less.
my mentor- stupid geek is helping me.
all about me, she knows it all.