going down.

things for me has been going down.
so much so that i am fearful of coming into God's presence. even asking for forgiveness, coz i have sinned, time and again, asked for forgiveness time and again. i realy dun wana take God for granted. i really dun wana keep going and ask for forgiveness. i say im sry. i wont do it again, still i do it, time and again. but God's faithfulness nv fails. He is faithful even tho i am unfaithful.
i am really worried for hoon. i jus heard frm hong tt she has been admitted to hospital. i am jus wondering, why is it tt jus when her life is beginning to see some light, this had to happen yet again? why? frankly, i rather the one in hospital is me. becoz she has suffered enough and definitely doesnt deserve something like tt thrown at her. but yet i ask myself, have i done my part, or is it that becoz of my past hatred/ bitterness, i am suffering the consequence of my actions. i guess now a sorry would be too late. the harm has been done. i really miss the old hoon. becoz if time cld turn back, i would not let myself do such a thing to my best friend. i really wana show to her how much she has impacted my life, before hong took over, it was the toughest time both hoon and me. i was struggling with bitterness/ hatred/resentment. she was struggling with helping me and loving me the way i am. and jus becoz she has impacted me, i am unable to forget the goodness, the love of this particular friend, who loved me and nv gave up on me even when everyone else had., standing up for me when others question why does she wana be my friend. no doubt. she is a really great friend. and i love her.