escape

i actually did not wan to go for pnp last nite.
wanted to keep myself busy, but actually i was escaping and avoiding.
i am escaping from my very good friend, Alice.
i find myself avoiding her time and again, yet at times, i can scold myself for softening my heart towards her.
i'm really troubled. i finally had the courage to bring this up to Amanda, for i feared i cannot outtalk her. and i think it is a load off my chest. but somehow i feel troubled. i felt troubled maybe because 1) i am jealous 2) because i am told my Amanda what is right and yet i see my good friend not doing it. and still saying: we are just friends. cmon i used the same tactic on Amanda and the other leaders. U think they believe? haha, don think so. well, i guess, we do need to talk. and really clarify misunderstandings that have led this friendship to wht it is right now. most of the time now, we are jus hurting one another with our words. and i know, words can kill. sigh.
i really wished for the talk to be soon. i know i want, i know Amanda is trying. but i dunno bout her. she seems to be sucha busy person that she forgets bout me. well maybe i am not important in her life, well that's fine. because i do not deserve to be important in her life.
but i dun think i ever will forget this friendship. far too important to me. You and Hong and Sophia. people who not only taught me what love is, but showed what love is all about. so thank you.
but for now, i am gg to be busy because i choose to. because i know why. i am escaping and avoiding. i do not wish to think bout this friendship till we talk with Amanda.
i wana give myself a break, something i wana be busy with. because i choose to.